Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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