I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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