I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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