so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
