why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
