in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
