i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
