First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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