the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
