You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
