I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the condom got lost in my hair
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
