1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
