We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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