wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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