my mouth tastes like poor choices
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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