You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
