U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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