i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
