she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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