Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
