Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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