I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
