everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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