I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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