my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
