I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
