Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
