I looked at my own cervix.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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