My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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