He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
