Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
