I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
