I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I believe in your delicious
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
