Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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