so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
