I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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