Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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