I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
