why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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