Need sex. Gaining weight.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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