yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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