the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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