Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
