So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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