My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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