last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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