wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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