I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
