A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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