i already hear my dad disowning me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
